My favorite Teegan and Sara song goes a little something like, I was walking with a ghost. No matter which way you go, no matter which way you stay, you’re out of my mind, out of my mind. This Canadian-born lesbian pop duo were pretty spot on. If you are living with the ghost of a relationship past, it’s time you called Bill Murray and Dan Ayktoyd for some paranormal extermination. Holding onto a past relationship is certain to sabotage your romantic future. If the ghost of a former love still haunts you, it’s essential that you take steps to move on so you don’t self destruct your current relationship or a potential new one. Dr. Terri Orbuch says the four steps to exorcize your ex are to discard haunted objects, purge unresolved anger, properly place blame and identify your unhealthy pattern. Negative emotions, regardless of their origin, are contagious. Your intent may not be to project those negative emotions onto your current relationship, but it is likely you will. Perhaps you find yourself constantly comparing a former love and a current one. The current person will probably always fall short because your mind is still focused on the past. Don’t romanticize that old relationship. Remember it ended for a reason. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want an apparition in my house, and I’m pretty sure Louis the cat doesn’t either.

I’ll make an exception to this rule if Patrick Swayze saunters in behind me while I’m molding wet clay with my hands. Then all bets are off

I recall the first day of eighth grade when I tucked a silk black and white shirt into see–through, white knee length shorts. I remember the day my physics teacher gave me an “F” on a midterm with this addendum, “If there was something worse than an F, rest assured I would have given it to you.” And I recall the time my boyfriend cheated on me with a curvaceous, buxom gal from Colorado. I can’t say I blame her. He did have a charming South African accent and referred to squirrels as “squibbles.”

When you’re 17, an accent and adorable mispronunciations go a long way. I’d love to spin a yarn and tell you what happened when I found out about this indiscretion, but I’d also like to assume a few people read this little column. If I told you what went down that evening, you’d stop reading my column, refer me to anger management classes, and slander my name and point at me next time you saw me walking my cat in a stroller through English Village. I’ll say this, someone’s foot was run over, and a car was vandalized with 45 cans of dog food and one dead, skinned mallard from my dad’s latest hunting trip. Look, I had help.

Walking down crazy memory lane does help me arrive at my more serious point. A friend of mine in Florida called me some months ago to tell me her husband had cheated and their marriage was over. While I dare not compare my teenage antics to her situation, it did make me think back to squibble, the skinned mallard and the emptiness and loss I had once felt. There are numerous reasons for infidelity: revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty and even sexual addiction. Some experts say that a majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention, and women looking to fill an emotional void. I’d like to assume that most people who cheat don’t consider their partner, and how, with this act, it leaves someone to question their sanity, as well as everything they believe to be true about their spouse, and the viability of their relationship. I’m certainly not a psychologist, so I’m in no place to dispense advice on divorce and fidelity. However, I do wish people would exercise a certain level of consideration when making decisions that will have such an impact on their partner. I’m sure deep down my old Afrikaans–speaking flame regrets the anguish he put me through so many years ago. I’d like to tell you I regret shoving a skinned, wild duck in the tailpipe of his red BMW, but I’d be lying, and I think B-Metro has some sort of policy about that.

A few moments later I receive a call from a friend in Charleston who is having a full blown panic attack, saying she’d just googled the word spinster. While I think I know what a spinster is, I had never looked at the actual definition. As it turns out, the Wikipedia definition is ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING. A spinster is not simply a single woman, but a woman who has not formed a human bond by the time she has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan. A spinster is not eligible to marry. She has had her chance but was passed by. Just as I am about to dissuade my hysterical friend against changing her facebook relationship status to ‘spinster’ she exclaims, “Pag, it’s hopeless. I may as well take myself off Match and put myself on Groupon.” She then goes on to ask if I think there is such a thing as a discounted site for single people. While she assures me she is joking, the fear in her voice is palpable.

The word discounted rings over and over in my ear.  Unfortunately, I fear many single people discount who they are and what they are looking for due to this overwhelming fear of reaching a certain age and being alone. The imaginary timeline seems to be an impediment to happiness and relationship satisfaction. I caution anyone who discounts themselves in any way. 

Strive to be the best version of yourself you can be. Remember that a healthy relationship should affirm who each partner is and allow each person to meet his or her needs together.  I’ll give you some last parting advice. Should you find yourself in Ireland, I highly recommend a golf lesson from Ray.  I still don’t know what a Bogey is, but I’d follow him to the back nine any day.

I watched her tell a handful of women she couldn’t do anything for them due to their age (41), their weight (a size 8 ) and in one particularity infuriating instance, because of her successful and intimidating career. Out on a limb, I’m going to assume you have not read Stanger’s book. Well, lucky for you, I have. My face actually caught on fire when I read the chapter ‘negotiating the ring’ and the section dedicated to ‘negotiating monogamy.’ When I’m New York, I like to negotiate (barter goods and services, if you will) the price of a handbag. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t think I want to negotiate anything at all.

I can only imagine the look on Carter’s face when I say, “If you don’t cheat on me, I’ll do a Turtle Super Hard Shell Paste Wax on your car twice a week.”  The crux of this book comes when Stanger advises after nine months to a year of dating, it’s do-or-die time, go in for the kill. Not every woman has her sights set on the ring.  It kills my soul when anyone says  “if it’s marriage you’re after” as though all women are like 1,500 pound Cape Buffaloes, stampeding head on towards their prey.  Someone said to me the other day, “He’s successful, good looking and you’re already thirty two. Get that ring girl.” Is that all women really want? To find a husband, negotiate a ring and lock it down? I vacillated between two reactions to her absurd statement. One was to say, thank you and politely walk away. I choose the other one. Channeling my best Julia Roberts, I looked her right in her botoxed eye and said, “Oh, I’m not trying to land him, I’m just using him for sex”

Much to my surprise, the relationship section pales in comparison to the section on sexuality, diet and self-improvement. Five hours and four lattes later, I leave Barnes & Noble without a column but having read three books by sexual therapist Lou Paget and one book on busting belly fat for good. Just stick with me; this is not going to turn into 1001 places to have sex before you die. (And in case you were wondering, I am allowed to write the word “sex” in this column. I know; because I just called to find out, so don’t flip the page in disgust just yet).

It suddenly occurs to me how creepy I must look.  My laptop is out, I’m crouched in the corner of the “racy” section of the book store, feverishly drinking coffee and flipping through the pages of “The Idiots Guide to Tantric Sex.” I realize employees are starting to talk about me on their headsets so I decide to pack up to head home. On the way out, I notice the hundreds of diet and fitness books staring me in the face as if to say, “We saw you eating those Haribo gummy sharks, and it’s not too late to cut out sugar.” Finally, I decide what information I want to impart to you before I bid you adieu.

It strikes me that all the books in the diet, fitness, relationship and better sex section are all lumped together like little ducks in a row. What if you simply focused on feeling good about yourself first and gave relationship/sex health a lower priority for a while? Have you ever noticed that when you feel healthy, rested and active, the rest of your life seems to fall in line? I’m not suggesting you bust belly flab for good or kiss those carbs goodbye, but put your own health first this spring. Stop worrying that someone misinterpreted your text, tweet or Facebook update and start worrying about you. Take care of yourself first so when the time comes, you can take care of someone else. And if you need any more immediate advice, you’ll know where to find me. I’ll be at crouched in the corner of Barnes & Noble reading Sadie Allison’s latest book, Tickle His Pickle.

So here we go, straight into advice with very little time for satire. If you are in a relationship and wake up in the morning knowing you have settled or that in a few years time, you’ll feel like your life has passed you by because you were afraid to be alone, keep trudging ahead. It is better to be with someone who only partially satisfies you than be solo in Birmingham, a city known to be challenging for single professionals on the dating scene. It is perfectly natural to enter into a relationship with a less than desirable mate to escape the fear of buying a cookbook with recipes for one or enduring stories from your friend’s grandmother about the woman she knew who never married, or cut her hair.

If you have not fallen in love with your soul mate and not started working on a family yet, more than likely it is too late and I feel sorry for you. Just find someone as quickly as possible. Try to focus on the temporary happiness it will bring you and don’t concentrate too much on the life of disappointment and longing you have created for yourself. I forgot something else that this month has to offer, April Fools. So in my few remaining sentences to gain back some of  your respect, let me drop this on you.

Psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum states that settling is accepting a relationship where the five dimensions of chemistry are missing. Some of these include the usual suspects such as trust, physical attraction, and mutual respect. These are known by relationship professionals everywhere as ‘oldies but goodies.’ I always tell my clients to periodically reevaluate and rethink their must–haves when selecting a mate, but there is a point where compromise and understanding turns into settling. Don’t turn a blind eye to problems you know will only get worse in time. I promise you aren’t going to end up alone, unmarried, and breeding Russian Dwarf Hamsters. Hold out for something fulfilling, and send me a gift when you find it. I don’t care what you send because it is the thought that counts

However, the reason March is my favorite of the twelve is not just spring’s return, it’s because I now get to reference The Ides of March. I’ll never forget my 9^th grade English teacher warning me, in her wee Irish accent, to “beware the Ides of March.” Perhaps you’re thinking I’ve had too much sake and gone into total sugar shock after the sixth bag of gummy pigs, but marinate on this for a moment. I recall a while back, my friend tells me she is dating a man who meets about four (a mere four?) of her ten requirements and declares he is the one. She also tells me he is adamant about not wanting children but she is confident being with her will change his mind.  She has wanted to be a mother since the day she tried to put red baby oxford shoes on the family beagle. Allow me to fast forward a year later.  She just ended it with Mister Four, is madly heartbroken and feeling more defeated and alone than ever. If you are in relationship thinking you can change the other person, pack your Louis Vuitton Steamer Trunk and head to the bus station.

 An oldie but always a goodie, “you can train a dog but you can’t change a Lab into a Golden Retriever”.  I wonder how life would have panned out for Caesar had he heeded the old Soothsayer’s warning to “beware the Ides of March”.  In all fairness, Caesar had it coming, as he was given a fair warning from the start. Imagine if my dear friend took four on his word from the start? She certainly wouldn’t have stayed in a relationship that’s demise was foretold within the first week. Listen to what people say and don’t dismiss what you don’t want to hear. Never enter a relationship with the mindset you can change the other person. And certainly, if a soothsayer crosses your path as you’re strolling Railroad Park, turn your Ipod off and listen. I’m willing to bet Julius Caesar is really kicking himself right now.

• Valentine’s Day falls on a Monday this year, why not surprise your girlfriend or wife on Sunday. She will never see it coming and will certainly be swept off her feet.  A brunch and mimosa Sunday is sure to put a smile on her face. At the very least, you will both get drunk before noon. It makes sense.
• Get a little creative:  If your girlfriend is always in the kitchen, turn the tables a bit. You don’t have to impress her with braised lamb shank and caramel crème brulee. There are tons of recipes out there that can be prepared in 30 min or less, have few ingredients and are basically fail proof. As long as you clean up and don’t put tin foil in the microwave, she is going to be impressed. It’s the effort behind the action that really gets noticed. Just don’t put tinfoil in the microwave or pass Gianmarco’s take out as your own creation because we can usually tell.
• Plan a date. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is when a man says, “first I thought we could do this, AND THEN I thought we would do this”. For example, get tickets to the comedy club, or find out what live music is playing at Workplay, see what performances are at The Alys Stephens Center.
• While roses are always lovely, try some tulips? Or stop in whole foods and get an orchid, something that won’t wilt and die. Be sure your cat doesn’t eat the leaves because you will most likely be in the pet ER for most of Valentine’s evening.
• You can never go wrong with a spa gift certificate. Many spas are doing packages right now so you can get a fantastic deal.  Try a mini facial, massage and pedicure combo. I’m drooling just thinking about it.
• Give an activity that you can do together. Find a cooking class the both of you can enjoy. There are several places around the city that do once a month classes in group settings with wine included. Learn how to cook something new and drink delicious wine. Sounds great to me. Sign up for golf lessons together in the spring. Get a package with a personal trainer and start working out together. You will look better, feel better and motivate each other.  
• If you have vacation days stored up, take one together and plan a day trip. There are many places within a three hour distance from Birmingham where you can relax, unwind and not spend a fortune.
• For those of you not in a relationship, think about Valentine’s Day as a great night to meet someone. Get together with a group of your friends and hit the town. I know a lot of people who plan to attend “anti valentine’s day parties” and as cliché as it sounds; it’s a great place to meet someone. It is also a really easy time to approach someone of the opposite sex because if they are out with friends, it’s likely they are single as well.  Like I said in my B Metro column, my old college roommate just married her boyfriend of three years. They met at a ‘down with love soiree’, February 14^th, 2007, which just goes to show meeting someone remarkable is possible, even when you least expect it. 
• No matter how Anti-Valentine’s day your girlfriend or wife claims to be, DO NOT come home empty handed. My dad made this mistake once and I’m pretty sure it was mentioned in the divorce.  

This February, I’m sure you are all waiting on baited breath to celebrate Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday on the 12th, National Pistachio Day on the 26th and of course, Valentine’s Day on the 14th.

Executives at the greeting card industry, the folks churning out those delicious heart shaped cookie cakes and diamond peddlers everywhere are looking forward to the arrival of Cupid, the God of desire, affection and erotic love.  Nothing speaks to me of eroticism more than a chubby diapered baby boy practicing his archery, but I have always had tastes to be considered a bit off color.

This month, I speak to two sets of people, those in relationships and those not.  If you are currently plus one and prefer typical Valentine’s Day sentiments like flowers and chocolates, carry on. Every woman likes a bundle of red roses and some malted milk hearts she will instantly regret eating. But perhaps you want to stray from the expected and over used?  If your lovely lady makes you dinner every night, surprise her with reservations at the restaurant she always remarks she wants to try. Prefer staying in? How about suiting up in an apron and channeling your best Paula Dean? Her Chicken Divan is easy, y’all. Even if your divan isn’t very delish, as long as you clean it up and do the dishes, she’s going remember the effort.

And now, just like when I’m at the movies and reach the half opened kernels of popping corn at the bottom of the bag, I have reached my favorite part. To all of you unattached party minx’s out there, you don’t have to be Sonny Crockett to figure this one out. Valentines will be a night for singles all over this little hamlet to dress up, go out, and have one toddy too many for the average Monday evening. I’m certainly not suggesting you get the cozy table for one and order from the fixed price Valentines menu at one of Birmingham’s best. However, cynical people all over this country have already started planning their Anti-Valentine’s day parties. These parties are sure to have great drinks (The Bitter Experience), awesome tunes (Tainted Love) and tons of meats on sharp skewers.  My old college roommate just married her boyfriend of three years. They met at a ‘down with love soiree’, February 14th, 2007, which just goes to show meeting someone remarkable is possible, even when you least expect it.

Of the people who make New Years resolutions, about 20 percent will keep them. I wouldn’t dare make a resolution because the one time I did, it went so terribly awry that I considered legally changing my name and my doorman couldn’t make eye contact with me for three months. I wish I could tell you of this resolution, but the rules and regulations at B-Metro prevent me from doing so. As you stare down the beak of 2011, why not discard the idea of a resolution all together.

This year, make a commitment to try something new. If you’re single and exhausted with seeing the same faces on a weekly rotation, put your mug up on a dating website and do it today. For some, the stigma of online dating will paralyze them from actually trying it. It’s quite typical and very sad. For those of you who have been considering it, I think you should give it a go.

The highest activity rate for online dating sites is around the New Year, so you went from fishing your grandpappy’s catfish pond to bouncing around the Bay of Bengal. Here is the best part; you don’t have to tell anyone. It’s nobody’s business if you re-enact Riverdance for your Schnauzer on Sunday nights, so why should this be any different?

I know suggesting Internet dating might be strange advice coming from a matchmaker, but I really do want to see you happy. I want to see you try something new, I want to see you strolling Railroad Park hand in hand with that special someone and I want to dance at your wedding. I’ll bring Irish Bob. We’ll make your guests lemon drop shots, take them to Marty’s and teach them the Irish Step Dance.